I went travelling, and then everything felt different. These are my efforts to not return to 'ordinary' life; to reflect on what matters, make the most of everywhere, and explore how far to go....by means of verbal meander....
Sunday, 6 October 2013
The startled pieces of my being
The plane was still parked at the airport gate, waiting to taxi to the runway. Two men behind me discuss the reason for the late departure.
‘Do you think that suitcase belongs to someone on’t plane? That green suitcase out there.”
“They don’t know what to do wirrit! Theey can’t decide if it belongs to someone on’t plane.”
“Why? ‘Ow do the not know?”
“I hope theey’ve got my suitcase. Do you think theey’av?”
“I don’t know. I ‘ope so. I ‘ope they’ve got mine an’ all.”
“Aye.”
I put on my headphones, and escaped into favourite songs for gazing out of windows. I understand and wholeheartedly agree that people have a right to uninhibited speech about personal topics of interest, I tried to remind myself. All people are innately good. It is never ideal to lose a bag. BUT HOW COULD THEY BE TALKING ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE'S SUITCASES WITH THIS AMOUNT OF INTEREST???? Where were their stories about evacuating their tropical island home to escape a volcanic eruption in the 1990s? Had they grown bored of reminiscing about their cycle trek from Argentina to San Francisco? Were they not planning to fix up a boat and sail the pacific? Forgotten sorts of mundanities were tricking back into my perception after six weeks of travelling in exotic places.
I have now been back in a 9 to 5 office, in the middle of London, with very little natural light, for 5 days. Ordinary life is attempting quite viciously to pull me back. My excitement for small pleasures is dwindling. I want to buy chocolate muffins. At 5pm my brain is a sparking mush in the middle of a mini roundabout. I manage to reassemble the startled pieces of my being just in time for bed, revitalise for 7 hours, and then I begin the whole unwanted process again.
“You’ll feel more like yourself again, once you’ve settled in...”
“Well of course you like holidays more than your real life!”
“You can’t always be on holiday, it doesn’t work like that...”
“There’re loads of people in the world who can’t even go on holiday, especially for 6 weeks, you’re really lucky etc...”
“Imagine if everyone just wandered around all day, everyday, as they pleased; what would happen?....That's right, nothing!...”
“The trick is learning to accept that you won’t do everything you dreamt you would do...”
“You just have to put up with your job even if you don’t love it, and earn some money so that you can go on holiday again!” (Various people's voices, my ears, London, September 2013)
I realise now that what happens when people return from travelling is they question their normal life, and aspire to big changes. It is horribly painful. Normal life is difficult to escape, and mundanity and limitations are inevitable. After even these few days back it seems I could float back into familiar existence, as the desire to change burrows itself under daily chores, dilemmas and dissatisfactions (our freezer is unstoppably advancing upon unsuspecting produce, enveloping items in thick ice eternity, and wasting our money).
However, I am interested in not allowing these feelings to disappear. I don’t want to settle in as before. I have a feeling life will be more worthwhile if I don’t allow this to happen, that life doesn’t have to be as limited as it has been suggested I resign to.
This new blog is a space to address some questions that have rattled around my head for years, with no consistent outlet. These questions have become more apparent since I travelled, because of the people I met, because of the freedom and autonomy gained from travelling alone and because of the prolonged departure from 'normal' life.
Some thoughts so far.....
How can people obtain fulfilling balance between aspirations and limitations? How do we find space and time to figure out what we love to do and gain the opportunities to do these things? Do we at any point really have to stop searching and settle? The meaning of authenticity and the benefit to society and the individual. What does intuition feel like? How to avoid burnout and remain inspired by a major city. (when should internal ramblings be confined to a private journal or published to a blog?!)
To be continued.....
(20th Sept 2013)
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